saying goodbye.

it's never easy.
but for some crazy reason that we have yet to discover,
sometimes it's just what's necessary.

sometimes we need an extra push in the right direction. regardless of whether or not we agree with it.

sunday morning i found out that i lost someone very dear to me. someone who entered my life this past summer and really helped me through the catastrophe of things that i was going through. she helped teach me how to care for others. how to be self-reliant. how to make my own happiness. how to be responsible. 

all in all, she's what got me through this summer. more than any human being actually did.

on july 2nd, 2009, i brought her home. i paid for her living place, food, and even for her. i wasn't dropping $100 bills, but all in all she wasn't exactly cheap. and it was all with my own money. i introduced her to my friends, my family, even people i just met that day, as my new best friend. on the way home, i tucked her in between my legs as we drove around.

i didn't care if she was "just a fish" to everyone else in the world. no one else understood why i had her. why i needed her. not even me, at the time.

but yesterday morning, i woke up to a text from my friend back home who's been watching her for me, saying that she passed away at 5am; she got an infection which developed into a tumor. and it was a terrible start to my day.

i didn't know what to think. i didn't know what to do. somehow, i felt responsible. even though i hadn't seen her in so long. maybe it was the neglect; the fact that i hadn't seen her since i left for college. maybe it was my fault after all. but we can waste time asking questions and searching high and low for answers.. but what we really need to do is just remember the good times; the memories.

this post probably seems like a joke to everyone else out there; especially to any and all of my friends back home who've recently lost real human friends our age. but i'm not making a mockery out of death. not in the least bit. allow me to explain.

jemma is the first "being" that i've had a really close and personal relationship with- who has passed away. and i don't care if you do think she's just a fish.. because to me she's so much more. and i think i'm the only person who'll ever fully understand that. being as symbolism-loving as i am, i tied her passing on from this life to the passing on of the issues i was dealing with.. the issues that led me to get her in the first place. the issues that are now officially long gone, because she helped me realize there are more important things out there in the world than my petty problems.

she was gorgeous. blue and red, meshing into purple in the middle. my favorite color. she was my favorite fish and always will be.

jemmie, i'll miss walking into my room and having you swirl around in circles, just so excited + anxiously waiting for me to feed you. or looking over at you on my dresser after i turn off my alarm, to see you staring straight back at me. or the way i'd walk up to your tank and say 'goodnight' and every single time you'd stare at me, then kiss your lips at the side of the tank really quickly. or when daniel would come in the room and we'd swirl our fingers around in the top of your tank and you'd actually bite us with those crazy tiny little dinosaur teeth of yours!

i remember one of the last nights before i came out to byu, i was changing the water in your tank and when i took you out of the water, you jumped out of the cup and onto the counter and just lay there and my heart literally stopped. i didn't know what to do. i remember picking you up and practically tossing you back into your tank and within a second you were swimming around in your favorite little circles again.. while i was sitting dumbfounded on the ground, just staring up at you. i noticed a tiny, practically microscopic piece of your fin was sitting on the counter next to your tank.. and it was then that i was able to realize for the first time how truly fragile you really are.

i know other people have had their cats or puppies, even family members and friends pass away. now don't get me wrong, i'm not demeaning any of that. i've had a few grandparents pass away.. but i was never really super close with them. and i've never had a close friend pass away. i've never even had a pet that i could really call my own. until this summer. i had my jemma.. and now she's gone.

but i'm not going to cry all day or shut myself off from the world. i'm not going to regret buying her or leaving her in ohio because i couldn't bring her out to byu. i'm not going to let her death tear me apart. because regardless of the alleged fact that fish only have three seconds worth of a memory.. jem + i had routines. she remembered me. every time i walked into a room, or walked up to her tank to feed her, or it was time for bed and she'd instinctively go lay on top of her rocks just as i was walking over to shut off the light.. she just always knew. every time. just like i know i'll always remember her. and all the crazy changes and other things that i went through this summer. and the way that she was absolutely key in helping me through all of them.

i'll miss you jemmers. i already do. you're so much more than just a fish to me, anyday.

jemma dazzle kron
just keep swimming babygirl. <3

1 comment:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...