2.20.2010

life.

the past few days have been somewhat of a blur to me.

part of it might be due to a concussion i sustained wednesday night, but i'll discuss that at a later time.

so basically, i've been doing a lot of resting and recovering and relaxing. but above all else, i've been thinking.

right now i'm laying in my dorm room on a friday night, while my friends are out partying and such, my family's probably asleep (either in ohio or here in provolone), and i'm just getting a bit of time to myself.

and i have so much running through my mind at once.

i don't really know what to say, especially because i don't want it to be anything i'll regret saying later. but i just feel like lately, i've been getting really caught up in different sorts of perspectives on life. whether its specific moments in the past or worries about generalities in the future.. i feel like i've blown through quite a few of them in the past week or so. so pardon my ramblings.

i have a huge passion for photography. and i don't know why. i love taking pictures. i love taking pictures of people, most especially. and i know it sounds kind of ridiculous to mention.. but in the past week on facebook, i've had almost 10 of my friends change their profile pictures to a photo that i took. and it just made me feel good, so don't judge (: i just love pictures. i love how incredibly much you can capture in just a single shot. one picture literally says more than a thousand words.. tells a story all on its own. people make fun of me for constantly toting around my camera with me or for taking too many pictures or for having almost 3,000 pictures of myself tagged on facebook. but to be completely honest, it doesn't bother me. i love being able to look through and reminisce; being able to look at a picture taken of me days, weeks, months, even years ago and remember what i was doing before it was taken.. what i was thinking.. who i was with.. and so on. now, that might just sound soso dumb, i realize that. but it's fun for me to have these flashbacks (: i don't know. i just love pictures. and i'll never stop taking them. i'm just grateful to have a friend (dr. clifford!) who has now twice been willing to go on a photography extravaganza conmigo around campus. it's so pretty out here. and i'd like to think we do a decent job capturing some of that (:

i think at like a million miles/second. before i even thought of starting this post, my mind was racing. thinking an incredible amount of things. from my headache to grey's anatomy to my friends to how much i dislike females right now to boys (!) to the topic of trust to music to facebook to how messy my room is to what i'm going to do with the rest of my life. honestly, i don't understand my train of thought. not in the least bit. but i lovelovelove those moments when mace (roommate) or i will just randomly say something + it'll make absolutely zero sense to the other.. until we explain the train of thought -that happened within practically a split second- that led from point A (what we were previously talking about) to point Z (whatever was just blurted out). the human mind, the human body, simple imagination.. it's amazing. which brings me to..

dreams fascinate me. last night i had theeeeeee single most spectacular dream of my life. and i've only said that once before, as far as i can remember.. last fall, actually. and this one tops it.. by far. incredibly enough, it was just about the same kind of dream.. about the same people/person.. and in just about the same setting. but it was different. beautifully different. sometimes i wonder if my dreams are ever going to become literal reality. because if last night's dream ends up happening any number of years (or months or weeks or days.. or anytime, really) from now, i'll probably be thee happiest person alive. it's just so.. fascinating how we dream about people we know or people we have yet to meet; things that have previously happened or events that we wake up from and realize they would never ever in a million billion years happen in real life. we dream about wonderful things that make us never ever want to wake up (and we proceed to try falling back asleep + continue dreaming the same dream the moment we do), but we also dream about things as scary as the death of our loved ones.. when the one thing we want to do is wake up and run and hold them and realize it really was just a dream. we dream about things that defy all the laws of physics, like flying across the ocean. to be completely honest, i don't know if i'd want to know the answer to all the 'whys' of our dreamings, if i was given the chance. it's just so captivatingly mind-boggling. and i love it.

now, i might as well mention that i'm a strong believer in deja vu (don't judge!), like the whole "i'vetotallydonethisbefore" moments.. they legit happen to me all the time. and when they happen, i genuinely distinctly remember dreaming about them before. it's weird. maybe i'm some crazy kind of fortune teller (!) or something. not likely, i know. but i'll cross my fingers that i'll have the blessing of being able to look back at some point and remember having last night's dream become my own personal reality (:

i'm crazy about music + the beautiful lyrics that comes from it. i've never been a huge fan of poetry, but i'm absolutely addicted to any and all shapes, types, and forms of lyrics. and quotes. which i guess are their own form of poetry all by themselves.. i have countless collections of different lyrics, quotes, captions, etc. saved on my laptop. i love how whatever the writers of these countless songs were thinking can translate to describe exactly what i'm feeling at certain times in my life. i love that i can relate to them.. and i also just looove the fact that completely normal people, like you or i, have the ability to sing so beautifully. or play some crazy cool kinda instrument. like the piano. jfdkaslfjdaklfs; that's a different story entirely. in the past few months, i've grown to have an incredible passion for the piano.. and i jump at the opportunity to listen to anyone play. it's my favorite instrument. and it can be so easy + basic to play, like little kids learning how to play 'hot cross buns' or 'mary had a little lamb.' but it can also be so difficult, from others learning to play mozart or beethoven or some other complex piece. not to mention, my most favorite thing about piano is probably the fact that i can teach myself (!) + right now i'm working on the song 'let it be,' one of my all-time favorite songs by my all-time favorite band, the beatles. my only hope is to do them proud (:

fjdskalfjdaskl;
i'm now listening to an album that my friend+his cousin just came out with on itunes a few hours ago. it's beautiful (: + was kind of part of the inspiration for my writing this post. so go buy it! they're incredibly talented. just search 'austin eckel' on itunes; his album's called 'isolated.' you won't regret it, guarrrannnnnnteeeeedd.

sorry for my random rambling. this is just what happens when i'm home alone recovering from a head injury. (:

here's a few of my favorite pictures from my latest photography escapade with elliot. enjoooooooy:



+ if you want to see more, then check out my album on facebook called 'adventures in a shopping cart' (:

2.06.2010

would you like fries with that?

so today i had both breakfast and lunch at fast food establishments. and needless to say, i think i've filled my quota for the next.. hmm.. two+ahalf months?

yeah, you heard me right. remember how i gave up chocolate for the entire month of january? (i'll post more about that laterrrrr..) well, after feeling like the ultimate mcblubberson from eating only fast-food for the entire first half of my day, i decided i'm up for another challenge (: no more fast food til the end of the term! absolutely none until i finish my very last final for winter term here at byu. that means no more drive-thrus, no more jr. bacon cheeseburgers, no more doubledoubles animal-style from in-and-out (!). it's all just another part of my plan to try to be more healthy, more fit, + really just mostly about proving everyone wrong that doubts that i can indeed do it, yet again (:

however, one minor exception (even though it's not really even fast food to begin with)..


i'm not giving up jamba juice.


because let's face it, i'm not sure i'd be able to get through the week without my custom-made 12 oz. berry topper with extra granola + extra bananas, sliced super thin courtesy of the wilk (:


mm. i honestly don't know how i'm going to be able to function this summer in ohio without a jamba juice establishment within walking distance.

2.04.2010

anna banana.

hi. today's my sister's birthday.
so i decided to honor her on her special day..

ready, go!

reasons why i love anna; part one:
because she remembers the little things.


anna has a knack for noticing (+ loving!) the smaller things in life, things that other people i've known rarely seem to notice. she remembered my birthday (+ brought me over my favorite dessert at 8am on the morning of my own). she makes a sincere effort to be on time for things (even if it means waking up crazy early at like 4am to go to the news station). she remembers little stories from when she was little (like when she wanted to name me "gadget," or another story she recently shared about a memory from when my grandma adelina was alive) and has a fascinating way of making said stories so incredibly interesting. she remembers crazy dates like 


and plus, she always always always comes up with some of the most random topics to blog about.. but makes you see it from a whole new perspective and realize that you probably think the same exact way. or maybe that's just me.. but regardless. i love it. (:

reasons why i love anna; part two:
because she's fearless.


anna's the kind of person that you could tell her that something was impossible, and she'd be back in a flash with not only that accomplished, but five other things as well. she's up for any challenge, and has always been my example of "following the beat of your own drum".. at least i think that's the quote i'm looking for. regardless, she pursued a major in theatre arts with an emphasis in lighting design (as i mentioned briefly in my last post), regardless of how many people may have told her it'll be too hard to find a theatre-related job in these times. and again, she's amazing at it. and then she went for a double-major (broadcast journalism.. obviously) and will have both of those done by this april! i don't know how she balances school, news station trips to slc, church + social + family life and tending to emily as well.. but she does it. and always gets the job done, down to the very last, tiny detail. plus, she isn't afraid to stand in front of a camera and tell stories about what's really going on in the world today.. even when millions of people could (well, potentially) be watching her. if that's not intimidating, i don't know what is.

reasons why i love anna; part three:
because she has a great capacity to love.


when i lived at home, it always amazed me how anna would somehow remember to send little daniel (pictured above) cards- even on halloween and valentine's day! she stays in close contact with mom+dad back home, and even though all this week (and the past decade, it seems) she's been busy working on some show or another, she still managed to come over to help ruth (sister) clean up her house in order to prep for moving.. on her one day off this week. she's like the energizer bunny (which she just loves and just loves.. bunnies of course) and just keeps going and going nonstop.. she never runs out of love (:

reasons why i love anna; part four:
because she's an amazing cook/baker/chef/etc.


anna bakes. and cooks. and even makes things from scratch. and it ceases to amaze me. because we didn't grow up in a typical 20-family-member mormon household where there were huge home-cooked meals 3 times a day. she learned it all on her own. and from sweet-potato croissants to alfredo sauce; pumpkin chocolate chip muffins (my fav!) to steamed broccoli.. i'm pretty sure she can do it all. and she always (ocd, or not) has to make her food right before serving it.. so it's just that much more mouth-wateringly delicious. even when she has to produce or something at the news station at 6am.. she'll get up at 4 or 5am to make muffins for her coworkers.. just so they're fresh as fresh can be. seriously, if theatre and broadcast don't work out, it wouldn't surprise me if she pursed something in culinary. because let's face it, if anyone could pull it off- she could.

and finally, reasons why i love anna; part five:
because she always knows how to have a good time


anna likes to hula hoop. anna likes to take crazy pictures with her brother and sisters. anna likes to cook up all sorts of concoctions. anna likes to drive cross-country by herself. anna likes to party (unless her sweatshirt gets stolen from certain drunken somebodys..). all in all, anna is super creative in every aspect of her way of living, and she always seems to be having the best of times doing it. and she never hesitates to leave anyone out, either: from coming up with the idea to making gingerbread houses and having a sibling sleepover at her house to playing mousetrap all afternoon. from taking us to the zoo and spending a friday night at the new clippers stadium (even though we totally caught a foul ball so our mucho dinero seats were totally + completely worth it! see picture below for proof (: ).. she is just so great and just so great. and yes, you should be jealous of me for having one of the most amazing people in the world as my sister (:


so happy (23rd!) birthday anna banana (: just zoombinis and zoombinis and love sometimes on your big day. no matter where you are a year or decade from now, i hope you know that you are so loved and i look up to you so much! just make sure you keep up on your blog + cooking.. because heaven knows the world wouldn't be the same without them (:

p.s. click here if you wanna take a look at her blog. it's incredibly interesting, + you can learn even more about her (+ see all the yummy things she cooks + takes pictures of.. mm!)

2.02.2010

mis-directed thanks.

so..

i feel a tid bit foolish after that last post.

remember how i said that my jemmers got me through this summer, more than any human being actually did?
+ do you remember how i said i was crazy symbolism-loving?

with those two thoughts combined, i think my post was taken the wrong way.

although i was really struggling at the end of this past summer, and buying jem and having her as a constant in my life those last couple of months really really helped me.. i think i was really just caught up in the moment of her passing on and leaving this life, that i took for granted all the other people who helped me out over the past couple of years, with both similar + different issues that i went through.

first off, my family. they've always been there + offering their full support, no matter what i chose to do with my life. regardless if they agreed with me missing curfew a few nights or falling behind in my schoolwork because i was so caught up in one of many extra-curriculars i was a part of. in fact, i know there's been times when i've disappointed them or made them upset, but i knew then just as i know now that their love for me is unconditional. they care for me so much and every time i fell, they were always there to pick me up, within a moment's notice.



when i got into a serious car accident my junior year after i knew that my parents had already gone to bed, my dad answered my call and rushed over as quickly as he could and stayed by my side until i was released from the hospital. he gave me a blessing, first thing, and stayed composed the entire night. he stayed composed even though everyone from paramedics to police officers around us couldn't stop telling me "what a miracle" it was that i was even alive at that point; that the force from the car would've killed me practically instantly if it hit me a second earlier +  the other car involved wasn't there to cushion the blow. he kept me calm, wiped my tears, and had faith that everything would be alright, even when i was doubtful. he's always been there to comfort me and give me those much-needed father's blessings to help me with anything and everything that i could think of. and for that i am eternally grateful.


my mom has also always been there, always there to talk to me, give me advice, and teach me what was right and what was wrong, when i wasn't so sure of it myself. i can recall countless times over the past eighteen years of my life at home that i would come home from a terrible day at school or have some pent up something that i just needed to talk about.. and regardless of if she was watching the news or reading a book or sewing or talking on the phone or anything- she'd drop whatever it was she was doing so she could talk to me, without my even asking her to. she always just knew. even if i expected it to be a short "q&a" or a quick vent session.. she'd never hesitate to turn off the t.v. or close her book and give me her full, undivided attention. i can honestly say that if i wasn't able to have those talks with her as often as i did, i don't know how i would've gotten through some of the issues that i've had the misfortune of dealing with over the years. she just always knew the perfect things to say, at the perfect times.. regardless of how much i may have wanted to hear it at the time. i'm undoubtedly grateful for her constant and consistent presence as well.


and of course, how is it possible to forget my wonderful brother and sisters? they've each grown to become some of my very best examples and very best friends.


ruth has led the way as the oldest child and gone on to have an (already!) wonderfully successful career in teaching one of her greatest passions (art!) and has also been a supreme example by getting sealed in the columbus temple to drew a few years back. even though the big age gap between the two of us may have made it hard to be close, i'm loving the fact that i live so near to her out here in utah and she's always willing and able to help me out. from driving me to walmart or the dance store to walking home in the hail together with jambas in hand, she's a great listener and has always been a great teacher- i was one of her very first students back in the day when we'd play school in our basement (: she always included me in things, from her sixteenth birthday party having her friends go crazy with decorating my face with all sorts of makeup to just allowing me to come into her room to talk for awhile. maybe someday she'll even trust me to babysit her baby on the way (:


+ evidence from her sixteenth birthday party of my "makeup masterpiece." yes, that is me in the red flapper dress and the eyelashes that reach the sky:


anna and i are the siblings that i feel are the most alike.. and don't ask me why. i just do. although in high school we may not have been as close, when she left for college we became "e-mail buddies," for lack of a better term (: we wrote back and forth and she would tell me things about her and vice versa.. and we learned a lot about each other and were able to develop a very close relationship through those e-mails. as the years progressed (and now i'm out here with her!) we've talked more and hung out more and grown even closer. she's always been the one person in the family who's had a similar passion for theatre.. and maybe that's why we just understand each other so well (: she's followed her dreams as well, and has already accomplished so much more than so many other people her age (and probably more than so many other people just in general). she's graduating in the spring with a double-major in theatre (lighting design) + communications (broadcast journalism) and is absolutely fantastic at both; it completely blows my mind. she's always been so strong and talking to her i can see and feel what a strong spirit she has and she's indefinitely one of those people who's consistently "enduring to the end," in everything she does. wherever she ends up after graduation, i can only hope she'll let me come out to visit her on the start to yet another remarkable journey! (:


last but certainly not least is daniel, my crazy zoombini face little brother. needless to say, he brings out the little kid in me that i so often need to be reminded is still a part of me (: even though my last couple of years in high school i didn't focus as much time on him as i should've, he's never turned his back on me or stayed upset at me for more than an hour, max. he's so lovable and constantly wanting to relive past memories (such as drawing "chin-head" faces on us and making music videos like we did when we were younger) and have just as much fun as we used to. he's so goofy and is so creative, constantly coming up with new words and adjectives (webster's certainly can't keep up!) and games to play. he's always so happy to talk to me when i call and it breaks my heart everytime he tells me how much he misses me. i can't wait to come back and make up for lost time + create new memories this coming summer! i'm forever proud to be your lifesource, dandanoo (:


as close as i am with my family (and the closer i've gotten with them- especially over the past few years), i wouldn't be the person i am today if it wasn't for my amazing friends. and this past summer especially, there's a select few that i could name that helped me loads more than jemma did, just in a different way.

now i don't want to go off listing friends and ranking them or anything.. this isn't some crazy 'top 8' myspace competition. i love all of my friends, and i feel so blessed to have them. and they (should!) already know that, without me having to tell them (: but my last post really offended one of my very very best friends, the only one who's been there since day one, first grade. and even though we've had our disagreements and fights, we've stayed strong. and i would never ever want her to think that i'm putting her importance under anyone. so here's to you, braidsgirl.

you've been there with me since that first day we met in mrs. reynold's first grade class at chapman elementary.. when we thought we were twins because we had the same first name and so we switched places and mrs. r totally went along with it (: from our swingset routines we'd come up with after school at my house to the development of sara(h)^2. to fighting over friends and crying sessions in mrs. smiley's office. coming up with raps on our way out to the football field after rediscovering our bffship during flag auditions when you showed up late and elise + i auditioned with you (: from bad-mouthing all the terrible seniors our freshman year (no names mentioned..) to loving some others (laura!). from the start of "braids" and driving everyone crazy wondering the true meaning behind it, to painting my basement to look like a kindergarten daycare center (: from driving around and calling each other everytime we heard 'see you again' play on the radio, to driving backwards past quiznos and yelling certain explicatives to those inside (; to racing to culver's to get ice cream with brownie bits and trying to speed through looking at our dream houses in powell so we could make it back in time for drama club rehearsal.. even though we rarely did. from sharing secrets and being late for school because of a certain senior shoot out experience (ahahahah) to tim horton's breakfasts and couple's massages with candy + sandy (; from our huge + terrible fight that only lasted a month and half even though it felt like an eternity to "sara ho + sarah beth." from all those nights i went to your house to work on homework and certain things were assumed (whoops!) and other times we'd just have to comfort one another.. mostly you helping me. you've been there since day one. and although we've had our differences over the years or bumps in the road; although we currently live 2,000 miles + away from each other for eight months out of the year; although we don't hardly ever get the chance to talk on the phone as much as we'd like or plan to.. i know that we love each other no less. sara howley whitacre, i'm sorry for ever making you think you were less than a fish, or anyone else for that matter. because you are so so so much more than that. you know (more than most) the kind of mistakes i can make and not realize them until they're pointed out to me. that's why i have always been so grateful to you because you keep me in line. i'm forever grateful + indebted to all the memories, advice, and kleenex you've shared with me over the years. you truly are the definition of a best friend, my first-ever bestie, and a sister to me as well.


finally, the person i probably owe the most thanks to is the big man upstairs. without God in my life, i'm not so sure i'd have made it this far. he's been my constant companion, loving me the unconditional love my friends + family have for me... x infinity. and if you don't think that He loves you.. then just ask him. seriously. i guarantee you'll feel how ridiculously much love he has for you. because i've asked. and i've felt it. and i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He lives and loves me and you, and you, and even you. no matter what you've done, no matter what mistakes you've made, He wants nothing more than for you to be happy and feel His love. whenever i've been down and don't feel like talking to anyone.. or even when i just need a boost, i know i can pray to Him and He'll listen. if you're not very religious this might sound a bit wishy-washy to you.. but i can honestly testify that i know that He's real and he lives. and i have faith that i'll see Him again- just like i know that if i live righteously in this life, i'll live with my family again as well. He loves me. He loves you. and when no one else is there to cheer you on (or even when they are).. He's there. 24/7/52/365. guaranteed.

now, i don't want to make any of my other friends (or family members) that i didn't mention to feel like they're not "good enough" to make it to this post, or anything like that. i've had countless people make a difference in my life, from pre-k to college. so i've compiled some of my favorite pictures (thank goodness for facebook)  that pretty much spell out my thanks to (almost!) everyone else out there that i can think of. again, i can't put up all 48320948329048023 pictures on here from every person i've ever met in my life or else i'd probably get in trouble (+ you'd get bored).. so please don't take offense if you aren't up here. it doesn't mean i hate your guts or anything crazy like that.. it probably just means we didn't take many pictures together (or post them on the fb) .. so if that's you then just let me know + we'll change that asap! (:

so go ahead + take a look in the post below this. it's just another one of my photo dedication posts to some of theeee most incredible + life-changing people i've had the pleasure of meeting over the past years. and if you don't like a picture i've put up with you.. well, let's face it- as crazy as we might look, what isn't fun about reminiscing? (:

photo dedication #2

as i mentioned in my post above, this is my dedicatory post to friendship over the years. i may not be as in close contact with some of these kiddos anymore as i'd like to, but they helped me through quite a bit throughout my life at some point or another. so here's to you all (:

here we go.. in no particular order. i only hope you enjoy my little trip down memory lane as much i did compiling it (:


so thanks for all the memories!
+ thank you for being a friend. (:
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