last night i had probably one of my worst nights since i've been out here (a bit over two months now).
don't get me wrong, i got a bunch of studying done (thanks to being in the library from 5pm-midnight, don't ask me why) and then i came back to hang out with micae, greg, mace + haylee for awhile. and it was fun and we laughed a bunch and things were great.
but then like five things happened at once to just make me completely and utterly.. helpless. or at least that's how i felt. like i can't really describe it, i just felt really really really really down. and i couldn't figure out what it was that was making me feel so unhappy. i didn't feel like i could talk to anyone. i felt like i couldn't trust anyone.
and then i talked to him. a boy who i can definitely see becoming my best friend out here. i have the biggest trust issues, ever. yet i felt so completely comfortable talking to him about what was bothering me, without any hesitation, without any editing, without any.. anything. just plain old straight up, dead-on honesty.
and it's never felt so good.
i didn't want to talk to anyone but him, and he was there all the way through it. all the way til i fell asleep. talking to anyone else just made me more upset, for whatever reason. but talking to him.. it's like everything was better in an instant.
and then the best part..
i had THE best dream. EVER. period. no exceptions.
and i can't go describing it for the entire public world to see.. it's a bit too personal and complicated for that. but i can't even paint a picture of how completely and utterly beautiful it was. and there were little bits and details that made it just perfect.. but i think i realized the true reason that i was so happy about it:
my worst fear was resolved. and i was genuinely.. happy.
there's not much else to say. besides the slight sadness i got when i woke up this morning realizing it was "just a dream".. but in a sense, it was way more than that. it was a breath of fresh air. a new beginning. a sign to me to put on a mountaintop and shout to everyone: my worst fear has been broken down. it is possible to escape this. i felt it. one of the strongest, most powerful feelings i've experienced firsthand, in a ridiculously long time. that dream was solid, living proof of it. it's just another obstacle to overcome. you can do it.
i don't know if anyone else has their own "one big fear"- the one thing they worry most about; they think it's inevitable and constantly feel like they're drowning simply because they can't escape it. but i've been dealing with this for months, even over a year at this point. and i can't even begin to describe what an incredible feeling it is to escape something, even just a thought, that's held you back for so, so terribly long.
but i did it. finally. i can stand up and move past this. i've seen that it's possible. i can now proudly, honestly, say: i have overcome my worst fear. and i am a much better person because of it.
no other dream has ever been so sweet.
+editors note: no, i'm not getting married. the boy mentioned is completely just a friend. and an amazing one at that (: nothing more.