10.31.2009

sweet dreaming.

absolutely incredible.

last night i had probably one of my worst nights since i've been out here (a bit over two months now).

don't get me wrong, i got a bunch of studying done (thanks to being in the library from 5pm-midnight, don't ask me why) and then i came back to hang out with micae, greg, mace + haylee for awhile. and it was fun and we laughed a bunch and things were great.

but then like five things happened at once to just make me completely and utterly.. helpless. or at least that's how i felt. like i can't really describe it, i just felt really really really really down. and i couldn't figure out what it was that was making me feel so unhappy. i didn't feel like i could talk to anyone. i felt like i couldn't trust anyone.

and then i talked to him. a boy who i can definitely see becoming my best friend out here. i have the biggest trust issues, ever. yet i felt so completely comfortable talking to him about what was bothering me, without any hesitation, without any editing, without any.. anything. just plain old straight up, dead-on honesty.

and it's never felt so good.

i didn't want to talk to anyone but him, and he was there all the way through it. all the way til i fell asleep. talking to anyone else just made me more upset, for whatever reason. but talking to him.. it's like everything was better in an instant.

and then the best part..
i had THE best dream. EVER. period. no exceptions.

and i can't go describing it for the entire public world to see.. it's a bit too personal and complicated for that. but i can't even paint a picture of how completely and utterly beautiful it was. and there were little bits and details that made it just perfect.. but i think i realized the true reason that i was so happy about it:

my worst fear was resolved. and i was genuinely.. happy.

there's not much else to say. besides the slight sadness i got when i woke up this morning realizing it was "just a dream".. but in a sense, it was way more than that. it was a breath of fresh air. a new beginning. a sign to me to put on a mountaintop and shout to everyone: my worst fear has been broken down. it is possible to escape this. i felt it. one of the strongest, most powerful feelings i've experienced firsthand, in a ridiculously long time. that dream was solid, living proof of it. it's just another obstacle to overcome. you can do it.

i don't know if anyone else has their own "one big fear"- the one thing they worry most about; they think it's inevitable and constantly feel like they're drowning simply because they can't escape it. but i've been dealing with this for months, even over a year at this point. and i can't even begin to describe what an incredible feeling it is to escape something, even just a thought, that's held you back for so, so terribly long.

but i did it. finally. i can stand up and move past this. i've seen that it's possible. i can now proudly, honestly, say: i have overcome my worst fear. and i am a much better person because of it.

no other dream has ever been so sweet.

+editors note: no, i'm not getting married. the boy mentioned is completely just a friend. and an amazing one at that (: nothing more.

10.21.2009

it's not rocket science.

i find it amusing how we realize certain things at certain times.. even when we also realize it may have simply been common sense all along.

case in point,
it's important to let people live their own lives they way they want to.

you're here, i'm here, we're all here on earth. we all sleep, breathe, eat, smile, cry, scream, dance, sing, laugh, and love. we all get upset, frustrated, excited, disappointed, embarrassed, sad, and happy. we all have parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, neighbors, and coworkers. many of us are identical in race, blood type, height, weight, eye color, and gender. some of us even share likes and dislikes, preferences, careers, or other interests. but you know what?

we're all different. and there's a reason for that.

we all have our own brains; our own consciences; our own individual bodies and minds and lives to live. and that's exactly how it should be.

it shouldn't doesn't matter if someone's white or black, blonde or brunette, male or female, blue-eyed or brown-eyed, gay or straight, employed or living below the poverty line. none of this really defines who a person is. as much as society tries to teach and convince everyone that there is one "right" way to live, one "successful" route to a happy life, they're completely and utterly wrong. baseball might be an entire way of life for one person: they've played it all their life and pursue a career in it and end up in the mlb with a multi-million dollar contract with the red sox. for another, physics might be their passion; they study hard throughout their tens of years of education, get accepted into a prestigious university and end up winning the nobel prize for success in their studies. is one of these a more desirable goal than the other? sure.. but only depending on who you are. not everybody wants to be an mvp; not everybody wants to be a brainiac; not everybody wants to save the world or go skydiving or be religious or go pre-med or have children or even be physically fit. want to know why? it's because we're all different. and thank goodness for that.

our world is beaming with diversity. sure, we all evolved from a tiny cell or were created by some higher being or whatever else you choose to believe, but interally and externally we are are all different in so many ways, shapes, and forms. life would be so boring if everyone had the same exact thoughts, feelings, hobbies, interests, likes and dislikes all at the same exact time. we'd lose all desire to interact with one another. and what's the fun in that?

i guess my main point is that i'm tired of all the stereotypes that fill up our society about how to live and how not to live. being a straight, upper class white man shouldn't doesn't necessarily define you as successful and happy. if you're happy that way, then great, kudos to you. but that doesn't mean everyone else in the world wants to live their life the same way you're living yours. so please, let people make their own decisions; let them make their own "mistakes;" let them eat all they want, sleep all day, form new relationships, experiment with different styles, or try new things. it might not be the way you'd choose to live your life, but you have to understand that that's okay. let them do what makes them happy, let them choose to surround themselves with the people who really make them smile. if they're genuinely happy, then that alone should be enough to make you happy as well. you can give people advice and share your own personal stories, but don't force them to believe what you believe or practice whatever it is that you're preaching. do what you want with your own life, and give everyone else their rightful opportunity to do the same.

as for myself, i'm a middle-class, teenage, mormon, hispanic, brown haired, hazel-eyed female. i like swinging, shopping, tap dancing, boys, photography, running, acting, traveling, and new york city. my favorite color's purple and i love jr. bacon cheeseburgers. my biggest dream is singing center stage on broadway someday. i can't go a day without listening to music and i absolutely love the beatles. i think 500 days of summer is the best movie ever and that people who donate blood are some of the greatest people alive. and you know what else?

i love being different.

10.20.2009

no day but today.

big realization of the month:

college is way different than high school. in three obvious ways, at least.

1.) it's harder. i don't want to sound all high and mighty, but school hasn't ever really been that difficult for me. elementary school was a breeze, middle school i would have to actually TRY if i wanted to get a bad grade, and high school was somewhat of a challenge but overall wasn't entirely too difficult for me (with the exception of honors geometry freshman year..).

needless to say, this high-school-to-college transition period has undoubtedly been the most difficult for me. the classes are harder, the teachers are more demanding, deadlines are more effectively enforced, and attendance is more mandatory (not to say it wasn't in past years, but everyone knows about my issues the past few years with attendance/tardiness..). but the coolest part is that i find i'm actually enjoying this challenge. i'm enjoying the satisfaction i feel when i get to a class early; i'm enjoying the praise i receive for delivering a good speech or turning something in on time; i'm enjoying waking up in the morning and jumping out of bed to get ready for the day so i don't miss learning a new ballet position or tap combination.

being out here and trying to balance everything out has been stressful because it's such a big step up from Dublin Scioto, but words can't describe how much i'm enjoying this challenge; how for the first time i'm looking forward to reading that last page out of my biology text book the night before class, just so i can go to bed with the satisfaction of knowing i'm ahead for a day and i'll understand what prof. smith is talking about in class the next morning. i love it.

2.) there's so many new people. i've met more people out here already than i can count. i've met people in my fhe group, my ward, my stake, my classes, walking to class, at the testing center, in the canon, in the bookstore, at choir practice, at football games, in my building, in the boys' building, walking around on campus, through other people, through family, and in countless other ways.

what's even more amazing is that this is something that people at other colleges no doubt experience, but being here at BYU, i feel like i'm not only interacting with more people, but i'm legitimately getting closer with them and impacting their life even in the smallest of ways, simply by saying hello. my dad even told me that out here, i'd be making friendships to last a lifetime- and i honestly can say i now understand what he meant by that.

i've gotten closer with macey, micaela, calli, annamarie, haylee, topher, elliot, bri, akell, andrew, tyler, teddy, brian, dillon, mike, justin, olivia, ray, jake, and sosososo many more. and i feel a genuine love for them and i know they honestly care about me, too. it's so nice having something, that is such a big part of your life, in common with over a thousand people on the same campus- your faith. it really has brought me so much closer to so many people out here, and i know it'll only help to increase my interactions with those around me.

3.) there's so much more to do. every day, every night, every week, every weekend, every month, every HOUR practically- there's something different to do, something new to try. since i've been out here i've been on two official "dates," and each was unique from the other.

the first was a "star-themed" date, where we went first to baja sol (mexican restaurant) for dinner, then to the movies to see star trek, back to the dorms to make cookies with star sprinkles on top while playing catch phrase while they baked, and ending the night going star gazing up in the canyon.

on the second date, a "phase-three" date this past friday, we walked first to legends grille (sports grille, pizza/chicken tenders kinda eating place) for dinner, then to macey's (grocery store, kinda like kroger back in ohio) to have a scavenger hunt (it was a double date: mike + i were on a team against justin+bri: each team got a cart and had fifteen minutes to go around the store and pick out 25 random objects and put them in their cart. then both teams met up in front of the store and exchanged carts and whoever could return all of the items first, won!) which mike + i sadly lost, then we shared a "king kong kone" at macey's (a 12-inch tall soft serve ice cream cone), walked back to the dorms and chalked a mural that covered the length of the walkway from the stairs in the quad leading up to the canon, ending the night (a SIX HOUR LONG DATE, 6:30pm-12:30am!) by going back to the girl's lobby, playing on the piano, dancing to music, having a handstand competition, playing duck duck goose, and just sitting around talking.

both of these dates were so different and diverse, and i had a blast on each one. each week there's devotionals that i go to with madison, drew's cousin, and each of those has a special message and different meaning to it as well. any day out of the week we can go diving in the rb pool, play raquetball, tennis, basketball, or a plethora of other sporty activities. once a week the girls have a flag football game (even though we have a losing record, it's still fun!) and the boys in our ward have one as well, so we always try to go and cheer each other on. you can go to the eyring science center and visit the planetarium for shows on friday/saturday nights. you can rent out study rooms to watch a movie with your friends. you can play mini golf in the library. you can have a video-scavenger hunt around campus. you can go up to the canyon and roast marshmallows and make s'mores. you can go to the loft, the local dance club, and random people will just come up and dance with you and just have a fun time. in addition to that, there's dances on campus almost EVERY WEEK. seriously, the first week and a half out here i think we had four dances.. it was almost overkill, but still incredibly fun.

this weekend is homecoming and there's so many activities planned for this week i don't even know how to fit it all in.. but i did get asked to the semi-formal dance which i will be going to with justin (: he asked me by making me a remix (so cool!) on a cd, and i replied yes on one of his t-shirts (if only i had a camera so i could have documented this.. hint hint dad check your email hint hint..). everyone's so creative out here in the ways they ask people to not only dances, but out on dates in general! once i get a camera, i'll start showing some of the cutest ways i've seen. some of them are actually pretty impressive. i love mormons (:

of course college is different. it's different than any other experience you'll ever have in your life. and i'm taking full advantage of every second and not letting a moment pass by without enjoying it to the fullest. besides the fact that i tend to sleep most of "free" time away..

but it's never to late to start, right?
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